Internet Dating Profiles For Dummies

If you are going to write a internet profile on a dating website here are some tips from me:

-Make if funny

-Make it long enough so it looks like you put a little thought into it, but not too long which signals desperation

-Use conventional spelling and capitalization

-Be yourself, especially if it’s quirky because that’s attractive and endearing

-Don’t use pictures with your ex-girlfriend or unidentified children in them

-There should be more pictures of you then of your pets

Here is an example of a great one that I saw the other day on Craigslist. (I liked to look at the missed connections sometimes)

So you’re still here after clicking to see a pic only to find I bamboozled you…well I promise to make this worth while. I’d love to pass your mental hot or not test but I offer more than just looks…keep reading and I’ll prove it. I’m not exact on what I’m looking for, I think I’d call this a beginning and were we take it is for us to figure out together. I’m not your average craigslister, after all I own a vehicle, no warrants out for me, not a deadbeat…those alone makes me the Craigslist Unicorn don’t you think?

About me:
Average/athletic build
Green Eyes
Black Hair
Born and raised in southern CA
Smarty pants
Witty/flirty
Passionate/Sensual
A gentleman but a man foremost, I know when to take charge
Bilingual (trilingual if you count sarcasm).
Non-awkward in public (i.e. I’m not scared of leaving my computer screen).
Inordinately fond of the ellipsis…
and parenthesis (see above).

Guilty pleasures:
Foodie (I let the fat kid out far too often).
Milk chocolate
Wine (the sweet stuff).
Making out (aka gratuitous kissing for the sake of kissing).
Sharing a double entendre or two, pun always intended.
Taylor Swift blaring on my radio…wait was that tmi? I promise to never ever ever mention it again, like ever.
Other interesting proclivities I’ll reserve for later.

Still have your attention or perhaps you’re already smitten correct? At the very minimum I got a smile on your face while you read this, imagine the possibilities if you reply? I’m down to share more info. if you’re interested so I think you know what you need to do…no the other thing you were thinking about, reply with the word “smitten” to make it easy to weed out the spam.

Here is a example of what you don’t want to say (cuz I can’t make this shit up):

Hey im a broken man my x stoll my babby and i need some fixn im fine im tattooed n i hav a one of a kind prince albert im down to get married and im fathfull so hit my white trash ass up

A Long Time, A Little Action

Well hello again bloggie friends. I have taken a hiatus for a little while mostly because the only thing going on in my nether regions is my right hand. It’s been a little bit of a dry spell. But baby I’m back!

I have had some amazing business times in the last week or so. Dean’s penis has been broken…no not literally but chaffed so he has been extremely hesitant to use it. There’s something not so sexy about begging and pleading to have hard cock stuck in you when you are extremely horny-well I guess that could be sexy 🙂 Just less sexy when Dean is a little too overcautious so every blowie or hand job ended with him telling me to stop because he didn’t want to hurt it. However, recently I have convinced him that if we use condoms then it won’t chaff it… after three months I’ve finally convinced him!

It’s still not as rough as I like it, but hey beggars can’t be choosers. In the last week, we’ve had sex three times…which is exactly three times more than all of the rest of 2013. I feel like a brand new 13 year old who just discovered her clit. The world is new again!

On Saturday, it was magical. He did everything just right. I don’t think I’ve cum that hard it a long while. I’ve been asking him to be a little rougher lately and he is being easy on the penis but making up for it with a little hair pulling, spanking, biting and constriction. I may explore my emotions about name-calling in a later post but right now I am turned on by it and I never thought I would be. He only does it when I start it but he is really good at knowing exactly how much I want and when is enough. He even did my favorite move while is anal sex be he lays on top of me and folds his arms around my neck and holds my hands…the best!

How the heck have you all been? Missed you!

Happy Valentine’s Day to Me!

Happy Valentine’s Day to me,

Happy Valentine’s Day to me,

I masterbated with glee,

Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

 

Have a great Valentine’s Day! I hope your day was as self-pleasurable as my own.

Good Night!

Risky Buisness, The “10 Foot High Club”

Now, I have never really done anything like this in publicly before.  I mean a peck on the check was about as intense as I get.  Well the drive in… but we were in a car the whole time with very little risk of being seen.

I am a proud member of the 10 Foot High Club.  It may even be 12 feet high since I was standing on the toilet at the time.  I’m not exactly sure; I didn’t have a ruler on me.

My friend (and sometimes master) and I needed to take an early train from San Diego to Oxnard to go get my new car.

Well… let me back up a bit.

So, the rule is that I must suck my Master’s cock before I get out of bed.  When we wake up at 5 am and have to catch a train it ends up being a torturous tease for us both.

We got on the train and we were both super horny.  He looked like he had a large pipe in his pants and I was dripping.

We got on and sat down… there wasn’t anyone near us.  He had me feeling his cock through his pants.  His shirt was unbuttoned part way and I was instructed to play with his nipple with his tongue.

Sir felt I needed more exposure.

He was driving me wild.  He pulled his cock out in and instructed me to suck it.  I was so nervous.  What if we got caught and got kicked off the train?  I didn’t really have a choice.  I sucked him and played with him until we came into the next station.  More people got on and he put it away, but had me rubbing him and playing with his nipple as people walked by.  It was humiliating; nerve wracking, and very stimulating.

No one really “saw” us, but I think the conductor had a fairly good idea what we were up to.

We changed seats at one point because some annoying person sat next to us and they were talking on the phone in their loud Fran Dresher voice.

More and more people kept getting on the train.  By now it was about 8:00 and we were still both unsatisfied and hornier than ever.

He instructed me to sit up. He had more in store for me than just serving him.  He slipped his hand down my pants and shoved his finger up my ass.  He finger fucked my ass until I begged for permission to cum (which was very difficult to do without all the people around knowing I was having an orgasm).  I obviously couldn’t squirt because then I’d get myself and the seats all wet so I had to hold it in.

That didn’t calm the desire, it made it worse.  I needed to feel his cock inside of me and he was still as hard as a lead pipe needing to use me like only he can.

We played around some more until he instructed me to find a nice place to get fucked hard.

I knew that on the bottom level of trains there are these large disabled bathrooms, but they also have these nice little lounges with a bathroom off to the side.  I decided to hunt down an out of the way lounge.  I found one and reported back.

We “happened” to meet up in there.  He had me kneel on the toilet while he used my pussy for his pleasure, fucking me long and deep until he came HARD, exploding into my wet pussy, making me cum with pleasure at feeling his cum inside of me.

We both them went up quite satisfied and took a nice nap.  I’m sure the conductor was happy we had taken care of business so we weren’t all over each other at our seats.

Finger Fuck…Yes Please!

So I’ve been struggling to find things to post about because the boyfriend has hurt his moneymaker and has been out of commission since the New Year. I know it’s been a long month but luckily he is good at other things besides just sexing. I mean he’s very good at sexing, but he is great at finger fucking. I don’t know what exactly he does down there but it is very sexy. He says that the trick it to stay on the clit and it is orgasmic.

I love when he goes downstairs but I really love having his face close to mine when I cum. I love when he nuzzles my neck and ears as I am squirting all over his hand. I love that after I cum he keeps pushing me to cum over and over again until my clit is super sensitive. I also love that when I have screamed and cried until I can’t take anymore he brings up his hand and has me suck off the juice. I know this is trashy in porn but for some reason it is very sexy when he does it.

Until his penis recovers I guess it will be finger fucks for me.

Pussy Farting

Yes, I’m talking about varting, queefing, you know. When air get trapped in the vagina and comes out as a Pllbbbbbbbfffff sound.

Now, I think sex is hilarious, awkward, strange, silly, and fun.

If you can’t laugh about it with the one you are fucking, then you need a different partner.

Now, I don’t know what happened the other night.   My friend and I were in a fairly serious dom session and for some reason I couldn’t stop queefing.  It got so bad I started to giggle, then laugh, then belly laugh so hard I could barely stay in position.

I got back under control, my friend tried to keep in character the whole time and finished us both off in his usual amazing mind blowing style.

But all night, I kept thinking about it and giggling.

For more fun on queefing watch South Park’s Season 13 Ep. 4, Eat, Pray, Queef.

Happy queefing,

Pitter-Patter

Sometimes Dean says exactly the right thing. I was feeling ugly and chubby the other day, just one of those blah days. I was laying on the bed post-climax and Dean came in from washing his manly bits off. He leaned over and whispered, “You look so cute in just your socks.”If he thinks I look cute in my dirty running socks that I sometimes walk around in outside so the bottoms are brown then that makes my heart bounce around a little bit.

Playing Games or Reality

We had played games before, but never this intense.

I knew to trust him no matter what happened.

I was laid down on plastic board and my legs were strapped down. My arms were above my head, my hands grasping something to make me feel safe, to push if things were too intense.

A plastic board was placed over my abdomen and strapped down.

It was uncomfortable, and the cord around my chest hurt a bit but that was not what I was afraid of.

There was a hole, a long big hole that I was going to be placed in.

I don’t say I’m claustrophobic, but this huge hole looked like the gaping maw of a monster.  It did not look large enough to fit me in it.  I would have to be chewed up before I was swallowed.

No going back now, I was strapped down to the tongue of the beast. I wished I had been blind folded before going in, that way I wouldn’t see how close the walls were. I could feel the pressure of the walls pushing my arms closer together. I accidently looked up and there was the ceiling, just inches from my face.

Sir would never give me more than I could handle, I could get through this.

Then the real torture started.

I had earphones on. I was instructed that I would hear instructions through the earphones. Something else suddenly happened.

Ear piercing sounds of various types.  I thought it was from the earphones, I nudged them with my head and the sound got worse. The earphones were to protect my ears.  They weren’t doing a very good job.

All manner of dreadful sounds high pitched, low, no pattern, no method. I would think the sound had stopped and begin to take a breath and another ear splitting jagged ragged sound would begin tearing at me worse than any whip or clamp or reed or paddle ever could.

I focused on keeping my breathing steady, or I might loose it all. Breathing steadily, slowly, calmly waiting for the voice.

No voice, no explanation, just torture.

I tried to endure, but I felt something was wrong. I squeezed the ball in my hand.

Explained the situation.

Oh, the volume was off.

A moment of silence and in the oppressive tube again.

My nose itched, I could barely reach my arm forward to scratch my nose.

The noises started again beating, whipping, and incinerating my ears with pain.

A voice, “Breath in, now hold it……………………………… and breath out”.

Now I was being asked to hold my breath, not allowed to breath my way.

I knew Sir wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. I did it.

No rhythm or repetition anywhere.

Chaos.

The noise, how long I needed to hold by breath.

Not even the same words.

“In, hold it……………………………………………………………………………… and out.”

“Now breath ……………………………………………….. and relax.”

Oh joy! To relax, I relaxed and vvvvVVVVeeeEEEEEEEEEE another ear wrenching sound tore through me. Relax didn’t mean I was done, it just meant to breath.

Deeper into the tunnel now. My nose was facing an ugly piece of metal where some tape had been and had torn off.

Back and forth in the tunnel hearing the voice.

“Breath in …………………………………………………………………………….. and out.”

“Breath in and hold it now……………………………………………………………………..good job.”

I stupidly relaxed again and WummmWWWWummmVEEEEEEEEE bolted through my ears.

I know it was over 30 minutes.

I knew Sir wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. I could do this. I would do this no matter what.

“Ok, we’re done.”

………VVVVVuuuuuuuuuuSHHHHHWuugggaaaaa

The noises weren’t done.

At least I could breath in the way I wanted to.

I felt movement and a blast of air. I was being taken out of the tunnel.

The noises were off. I had finished

Reality:

They unstrapped me and instructed me to get onto my gurney.

I rolled over onto it crying with the pain that had brought me into the hospital screaming at me from my right side as well as the shock of the MRCP I had just experienced in the MRI machine.

I curled up on the bed shaking unable to control it. Wanting to tell the nurses I was in shock, unable to.

I just lay there holding the hat Sir had given me that had helped me get through this experience.

I know Sir would have NEVER done anything like that to me.  He is far too good to allow for serious mistakes like the volume being off, (they technicians thought that was funny).

I think I would have broken and not been able to get my lab test done if it hadn’t been for the discipline Sir has taught me.  I knew I could get through it because I had to endure.

I hope not to have a MRCP in an MRI again, but if I do, I might wear my leather (I can’t wear the chains. LOL

Pleasure

You too can please your female friend with these simple steps!

Seriously, all you need is a thumb.

Don’t worry all you guys that say you like going down on women, but really hate it, you don’t even have to use your tongue.

One day, I came home from a hard day of work to find my friend at my house.  I was kinda irritated he was there because I was exhausted and I didn’t want to do anything for him.

He looked at me and said,  “Lay down on the couch next to me, you need a break.”

I took off my clothes, I hate wearing clothes, and lay down on the couch. 

He told me to close my eyes and rest.  That sounded good to me so I did.

I felt his warm hand spread my legs apart.

Now, I am a clean freak and I don’t want anyone “down there” especially after working all day.  I started to complain that I needed to hop in the shower first. He said “No, you need to relax now.”

I relaxed and felt him brush my thighs apart again with his warm hands.  Then, he placed his hand on my mound then he just massaged, played, explored, and did a million amazing things with his thumb on my clit, labia, and even explored my vagina walls.

 He made me cum a few times, but then he just massaged and rubbed and played.  It was beautiful.  I fell asleep as he massaged my clit.  I think it lasted over an hour.

What made it even better was that he could keep working while he was doing it.  He was working on the computer and just needed one hand; the other hand was for me.  Now he did stop working to focus on giving me amazing organisms too, but most the time he was working or something, I don’t know I was floating on a cloud of pleasure.

I thanked him for my once in a lifetime massage.  He laughed and said, “Well, I think I can manage to make it more than once in a lifetime”.

I think this is a win/win game to play. The woman can relax or a change and just float with pleasure while the friend can watch whatever he likes, or does work and still give the woman the much needed pleasure and relaxation she needs.

 Helpful Suggestions:

He may have used more than just a thumb, but for a lot of the time it was his thumb.  

I think when he made me cum he used a finger or two.  I know when he explored inside me he used a finger.

If you don’t know what to do with your finger, why not write the abc’s with your thumb on her clit.  It provides the clit with a variety of different sensations and doesn’t overwhelm the clit with a repeated motion.

I would have been just as happy to feel the pleasure of him exploring, even without cumming.  It was a magical experience.

Pain

I want to write about something sexy.  I actually sat down to do a blog I’ve been thinking about, but I couldn’t.

Pain.

It’s just physical pain, thankfully. I mean if I’ve had emotional pain that hurt this badly and this consistently so I know it could be worse.  I know everything could be worse.

I’m just so tired of being in pain.

In Of all the Gall, you read I had my gallbladder removed about 2 weeks ago.

They gave me a rash on top of where they did surgery, and then I got another rash on top of that. Let me tell you, I looked super sexy. I had 4 surgery incisions as well as 2 rashes on top of that.

I recovered from the rashes and started feeling a bit better… then the pain.

It is the same basic pain as the original gallbladder pain.

It started with quick painful jabbing pains like someone stabbing me with a knife and twisting it.  I would wake up yelping in pain.

Now it is just a constant gnawing pain.  It wakes me up at night, it is with me every second. It hurts to breath.  It is driving me mad. 

The dr’s are vaguely concerned with my elevated kidney function levels that I may have a piece of gallstone embedded somewhere.  They have a special MRI machine they need to use to look at me, but apparently the machine doesn’t work on weekends unless it is an emergency. What? Does this machine have a Union? So, the dr told me to take my meds and relax and try to have a nice weekend.  I told him I was going to drink beer with my meds (not recommended). He said that was probably the best thing to do. 

I had a few beers last night and since I never drink I got wasted fairly fast.  The pain was gone for a bit, but I woke up with it in the middle of the night.

 I was instructed if the pain gets worse to go into the ER.  So, do I spend 6 hours in pain just to go to the ER to have them fuck around with me and maybe, or maybe not help me? Or do I just put up with pain until Monday where I have a scheduled appointment with this machine that have a better Union than god?

I need my friend’s amazing massage to help me relax and focus.

I guess I’ll just get a beer and start cleaning house.