Internet Dating Profiles For Dummies

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If you are going to write a internet profile on a dating website here are some tips from me:

-Make if funny

-Make it long enough so it looks like you put a little thought into it, but not too long which signals desperation

-Use conventional spelling and capitalization

-Be yourself, especially if it’s quirky because that’s attractive and endearing

-Don’t use pictures with your ex-girlfriend or unidentified children in them

-There should be more pictures of you then of your pets

Here is an example of a great one that I saw the other day on Craigslist. (I liked to look at the missed connections sometimes)

So you’re still here after clicking to see a pic only to find I bamboozled you…well I promise to make this worth while. I’d love to pass your mental hot or not test but I offer more than just looks…keep reading and I’ll prove it. I’m not exact on what I’m looking for, I think I’d call this a beginning and were we take it is for us to figure out together. I’m not your average craigslister, after all I own a vehicle, no warrants out for me, not a deadbeat…those alone makes me the Craigslist Unicorn don’t you think?

About me:
Average/athletic build
Green Eyes
Black Hair
Born and raised in southern CA
Smarty pants
Witty/flirty
Passionate/Sensual
A gentleman but a man foremost, I know when to take charge
Bilingual (trilingual if you count sarcasm).
Non-awkward in public (i.e. I’m not scared of leaving my computer screen).
Inordinately fond of the ellipsis…
and parenthesis (see above).

Guilty pleasures:
Foodie (I let the fat kid out far too often).
Milk chocolate
Wine (the sweet stuff).
Making out (aka gratuitous kissing for the sake of kissing).
Sharing a double entendre or two, pun always intended.
Taylor Swift blaring on my radio…wait was that tmi? I promise to never ever ever mention it again, like ever.
Other interesting proclivities I’ll reserve for later.

Still have your attention or perhaps you’re already smitten correct? At the very minimum I got a smile on your face while you read this, imagine the possibilities if you reply? I’m down to share more info. if you’re interested so I think you know what you need to do…no the other thing you were thinking about, reply with the word “smitten” to make it easy to weed out the spam.

Here is a example of what you don’t want to say (cuz I can’t make this shit up):

Hey im a broken man my x stoll my babby and i need some fixn im fine im tattooed n i hav a one of a kind prince albert im down to get married and im fathfull so hit my white trash ass up

A Long Time, A Little Action

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Well hello again bloggie friends. I have taken a hiatus for a little while mostly because the only thing going on in my nether regions is my right hand. It’s been a little bit of a dry spell. But baby I’m back!

I have had some amazing business times in the last week or so. Dean’s penis has been broken…no not literally but chaffed so he has been extremely hesitant to use it. There’s something not so sexy about begging and pleading to have hard cock stuck in you when you are extremely horny-well I guess that could be sexy 🙂 Just less sexy when Dean is a little too overcautious so every blowie or hand job ended with him telling me to stop because he didn’t want to hurt it. However, recently I have convinced him that if we use condoms then it won’t chaff it… after three months I’ve finally convinced him!

It’s still not as rough as I like it, but hey beggars can’t be choosers. In the last week, we’ve had sex three times…which is exactly three times more than all of the rest of 2013. I feel like a brand new 13 year old who just discovered her clit. The world is new again!

On Saturday, it was magical. He did everything just right. I don’t think I’ve cum that hard it a long while. I’ve been asking him to be a little rougher lately and he is being easy on the penis but making up for it with a little hair pulling, spanking, biting and constriction. I may explore my emotions about name-calling in a later post but right now I am turned on by it and I never thought I would be. He only does it when I start it but he is really good at knowing exactly how much I want and when is enough. He even did my favorite move while is anal sex be he lays on top of me and folds his arms around my neck and holds my hands…the best!

How the heck have you all been? Missed you!

Risky Buisness, The “10 Foot High Club”

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Now, I have never really done anything like this in publicly before.  I mean a peck on the check was about as intense as I get.  Well the drive in… but we were in a car the whole time with very little risk of being seen.

I am a proud member of the 10 Foot High Club.  It may even be 12 feet high since I was standing on the toilet at the time.  I’m not exactly sure; I didn’t have a ruler on me.

My friend (and sometimes master) and I needed to take an early train from San Diego to Oxnard to go get my new car.

Well… let me back up a bit.

So, the rule is that I must suck my Master’s cock before I get out of bed.  When we wake up at 5 am and have to catch a train it ends up being a torturous tease for us both.

We got on the train and we were both super horny.  He looked like he had a large pipe in his pants and I was dripping.

We got on and sat down… there wasn’t anyone near us.  He had me feeling his cock through his pants.  His shirt was unbuttoned part way and I was instructed to play with his nipple with his tongue.

Sir felt I needed more exposure.

He was driving me wild.  He pulled his cock out in and instructed me to suck it.  I was so nervous.  What if we got caught and got kicked off the train?  I didn’t really have a choice.  I sucked him and played with him until we came into the next station.  More people got on and he put it away, but had me rubbing him and playing with his nipple as people walked by.  It was humiliating; nerve wracking, and very stimulating.

No one really “saw” us, but I think the conductor had a fairly good idea what we were up to.

We changed seats at one point because some annoying person sat next to us and they were talking on the phone in their loud Fran Dresher voice.

More and more people kept getting on the train.  By now it was about 8:00 and we were still both unsatisfied and hornier than ever.

He instructed me to sit up. He had more in store for me than just serving him.  He slipped his hand down my pants and shoved his finger up my ass.  He finger fucked my ass until I begged for permission to cum (which was very difficult to do without all the people around knowing I was having an orgasm).  I obviously couldn’t squirt because then I’d get myself and the seats all wet so I had to hold it in.

That didn’t calm the desire, it made it worse.  I needed to feel his cock inside of me and he was still as hard as a lead pipe needing to use me like only he can.

We played around some more until he instructed me to find a nice place to get fucked hard.

I knew that on the bottom level of trains there are these large disabled bathrooms, but they also have these nice little lounges with a bathroom off to the side.  I decided to hunt down an out of the way lounge.  I found one and reported back.

We “happened” to meet up in there.  He had me kneel on the toilet while he used my pussy for his pleasure, fucking me long and deep until he came HARD, exploding into my wet pussy, making me cum with pleasure at feeling his cum inside of me.

We both them went up quite satisfied and took a nice nap.  I’m sure the conductor was happy we had taken care of business so we weren’t all over each other at our seats.

Finger Fuck…Yes Please!

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So I’ve been struggling to find things to post about because the boyfriend has hurt his moneymaker and has been out of commission since the New Year. I know it’s been a long month but luckily he is good at other things besides just sexing. I mean he’s very good at sexing, but he is great at finger fucking. I don’t know what exactly he does down there but it is very sexy. He says that the trick it to stay on the clit and it is orgasmic.

I love when he goes downstairs but I really love having his face close to mine when I cum. I love when he nuzzles my neck and ears as I am squirting all over his hand. I love that after I cum he keeps pushing me to cum over and over again until my clit is super sensitive. I also love that when I have screamed and cried until I can’t take anymore he brings up his hand and has me suck off the juice. I know this is trashy in porn but for some reason it is very sexy when he does it.

Until his penis recovers I guess it will be finger fucks for me.

Pussy Farting

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queef

Yes, I’m talking about varting, queefing, you know. When air get trapped in the vagina and comes out as a Pllbbbbbbbfffff sound.

Now, I think sex is hilarious, awkward, strange, silly, and fun.

If you can’t laugh about it with the one you are fucking, then you need a different partner.

Now, I don’t know what happened the other night.   My friend and I were in a fairly serious dom session and for some reason I couldn’t stop queefing.  It got so bad I started to giggle, then laugh, then belly laugh so hard I could barely stay in position.

I got back under control, my friend tried to keep in character the whole time and finished us both off in his usual amazing mind blowing style.

But all night, I kept thinking about it and giggling.

For more fun on queefing watch South Park’s Season 13 Ep. 4, Eat, Pray, Queef.

Happy queefing,

Pitter-Patter

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Sometimes Dean says exactly the right thing. I was feeling ugly and chubby the other day, just one of those blah days. I was laying on the bed post-climax and Dean came in from washing his manly bits off. He leaned over and whispered, “You look so cute in just your socks.”If he thinks I look cute in my dirty running socks that I sometimes walk around in outside so the bottoms are brown then that makes my heart bounce around a little bit.